Back To Center

Last night was a small but much-needed mommy night out. I forget how well I do with just a few hours to recharge. I met a friend, Colleen, and we got pretty fall manicures, and then went around the corner to a local bar for some food and drinks... Because when don't I need to bring food and drinks into the mix?

So many jewel tones, not enough time. I went with #92 - Down To Earth.
It's a beautiful camo-green!

It's a lot, working from home and raising two babies. I find it hard to separate the two sometimes. Too often, I treat my babies like tasks, or only give them my very divided attention - and it leaves me feeling completely sad, and like I've failed as a mom and employee. Is this what working from home is supposed to accomplish?

Simon Pierce - 8 months old & Porter Alan - 2.5 years old

No. Working from home gives me the chance to be there for moments like this... When they're crawling around together and laughing and exploring and just being brothers. Moments like this make the "sharpie on the carpet/nap strikes/food strikes/must have apple juice NOW" moments far less important.

But, the crazy moments also remind me quickly that I'm human... I'm an adult human. I'm not the kid that runs away from her problems anymore, I have to face them head on. When I'm feeling deflated and tired and just worn down, I have to deal with that like an adult. And since I've made the decision to not deal with my problems by acting out (partying, drinking, drugs, anger), I have to discover new ways to face and conquer the challenges in my life, in the moment. Because let's be honest: mommy nights out can't happen every night. Ha.

• Perspective. That's my biggest tool. Remembering those fleeting moments when Simon was two months old and we thought he was blind, or worse, that his body was filled with disease. Those were big issues. The fact that he wants me to hold him all day? Not an issue. An inconvenience, I guess, but not an issue. I see so many posts these days about accidents, and disease, and families truly facing the worst possible heartache... so my perspective shifts. I remember how blessed we are, and that I need to not act like my life is falling apart because Porter wants to drum his heart out while I'm on a phone call for work. God forbid, we could face some true challenges someday - but we're not. And I am so grateful and appreciative of the His hand on our lives.

• Prayer. I don't really have much to say about this, except for that I'm constantly trying to give it to God. I'm waiting for Him to throw up His hands like "Girl, no", but it hasn't happened yet. Hallelujah. My God is great.

• Mommy time-outs. Those are moments that I just lock myself in the laundry room for a minute to regain my composure so I don't say or do something I shouldn't. This works sometimes, too.

• IPads. Those have been my saving grace these days, when I'm not riddled with guilt for shoving an electronic in my son's hands and allowing him to zone out on Kid's YouTube. But when I have to get something done, necessity trumps all else, and he gets to watch creepy tutorials of grown adults opening eggs and talking in Disney voices.

• Reality Checks. For example: my husband is not the enemy because he has a job outside the home. I could go back to work outside the home, too, so I have to remind myself not to be a brat because I've made the decision not to. I'm guilty of making him feel like less of a parent because he "doesn't have to hear it all day long" as Porter rages about not being able to eat chili for breakfast. It doesn't make it any less annoying for Paul when he's home in the mornings, does it?

What are ways that you bring yourself back to center,
so you have the focus and energy to conquer your day?

My Iron

You know those friends that just make life easier? That would be these guys.

As I get older grow up, I become continuously more grateful for the relationships that just work. Sure, relationships take work, but I'm a firm believer that the best relationships are also glaringly natural. Personalities compliment, weaknesses are compensated for, and there's a whole lot of grace and assuming the best. If I am upset, I tell them. If they are upset, they tell me. We're so different, but we appreciate the quirks and traits that each one of us brings to the table.

Jessica is so easy going. I used to feel like she just didn't care sometimes, but I've come to realize that she has experienced a lot in her life and she's just decided to spend her energy on what is truly important. She is refreshing; the epitome of "ain't nobody got time for that". She does what she wants, she rolls with the punches. She doesn't care who rides in what car (that's me that cares about weird things like that), or if we miss our dinner reservations and have to move locations (cue hives, Jen). If she doesn't get a seat with the best view of the water fountains whilst on vacation (hehehe), she's over it in like three seconds. If she accidentally spends part of the mortgage payment on Bath & Body Works candles, it's whatever (ok, she's gotten a bit better at this). She has three kids, a husband, is a business owner and boss lady at her normal 9-5 and just AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT (that = pretty much anything that is dramatic or exhausting without purpose or goal). I don't think you could offend her if you tried (trust me, I've tried. When I pointed out her poor driving skills, her response was a shrug and a "but did you die?" So. There's that.) 

I don't want to make her appear like she just doesn't care about anything. She's also the one that dropped EVERYTHING while we were on vacation in Portland over Labor Day to make sure her kids had everything they needed for their first day back to school this week. She temporarily hated me when I teased her for contemplating going vegan. She is a fiercely loyal wife and friend: if someone hurts me, she holds the grudge for me (even if it's over the silliest thing) until I tell her its ok to move on. If I have an idea, she humors me because it's clearly important in my head (even if she could care less). She's confident and comfortable in her skin and makes friends everywhere she goes (one time, she made friends with a girl at the Applebees in Idaho, because the girl was maybe a little drunk and told Jessica they could be sisters because they both were part Korean. They might even still be Facebook friends? Anyway... yeah, Jess is just that girl).

Jen is pretty much the total opposite in every way. She cares about everything, big and small: about plans, about planning, about making the people she loves happy, about the details. She wants us to be on time for dinner reservations, and if we have to move locations, she is quick to organize a Plan B. She's not one to wing it. She is a hostess, a caretaker, a leader, a mother, and someone that I would seriously hand over the keys to my life and just say: ORGANIZE ME, PLEASE.

That being said, I don't want her to appear rigid or boring. Jen brings life to whatever she touches. And she would seriously do anything for me, anytime I needed her, no questions asked. She is selfless and always all in. Her love language is quality time, and she isn't shy about letting me know this. She is also isn't shy if she disagrees with me, which I love (maybe not at the time, but in hindsight). If she feels distant from Jess and I, she takes the initiative and make plans. She doesn't wait for us to realize we're slacking... she tells us. I absolutely love this about her (so much so that it's making me a little teary to write it out). She knows what she wants, she knows what she needs, and she makes it happen.

Do you know how much I appreciate having these two total opposites in my life? I feel like I can be a perfect mixture of them both- but I probably err on the side of being a hot mess and desperately needing them both to keep me walking a straight line. I'm the codependent people pleaser, so my colors can change (which I don't like). I love that they are who they are, and they inspire me to pick a lane and stay in it.

Fight for the relationships that take some work, because God wants you to push yourself beyond where you're comfortable, but revel in the relationships that don't take much from you and that allow you to just be.

I'm grateful for many relationships like this in my life, but I felt like writing a special blog dedicated to these two in particular, because they've been there for me through some of the most intense, emotional, ridiculous and amazing parts of my life, and they've never faltered in who they are. No matter how crazy I get ;) And THAT's inspiring.

The Best Yes

Last night, we started our "book club".

Jen, Jess, Savi and I are reading The Best Yes together. We are only a few chapters in, but already I can tell that this book is going to help me (us) immensely. I am a  "yes" girl. I have the "disease to please". So thankful for Lysa TerKeurst for writing this book, because not only does it speak to me, but I truly believe it speaks to a majority of women out there.

We met at our favorite local coffee shop, got amazing coffee and tea, and started talking. We closed the place down, which resulted in some leftover pastries from the case, too. SCORE.

It was only two hours, but it seriously felt like we'd just invested a full day into ourselves and our friendship. I left feeling so refreshed and thankful for the relationships in my life: ones that challenge me and inspire me to do better, each and every day.

I strongly encourage those of you reading to connect with your best gals, pick a book, read it together, and meet up once a week to discuss what you got from it. Don't check your phone, or talk about what happened with your kiddos that day, or what you thought of last night's episode of your favorite show. Stay focused, stay purposeful. It pays off in ways you never expected.

Personal Inventory: Comparison, Change & Other Grown Up Issues

I have had versions of this very post saved as drafts in my blog for quite some time, but I'm taking the time now to actually sit down and organize my thoughts, put it all out there, and press publish.

I'm a diehard people pleaser. Like, to my core. Nothing upsets me more than thinking about letting someone down, or meeting a low expectation that has been placed upon me. I give myself stomach aches overthinking and overanalyzing everything, and being a mom has magnified this trait in me even more.

Here are three areas I'm working hard to conquer right now.

The Burden of Social Media
Last night, I actually wondered how much happier I would be if I didn't have Instagram, and I didn't see all these mothers that have their entire families on raw, whole food diets on a daily basis. If I didn't have to scroll through pics moms who make homemade play-doh and get up at 4am every morning for french-press coffee by their huge window while they faithfully and obediently read sixteen chapters in their Bible.

Instead of feeling inferior, I'm going to make it my goal to let it motivate me. Without those moms who post about their raw/whole food diets, for example, I wouldn't be making a conscious effort to make myself, Porter & Paul fresh juices and smoothies each day. I may not do it for every meal, but once a day is a huge leap in the right direction for me. My fridge is stocked with more greens and produce than it ever has been before, but only because I made the decision to be encouraged rather than defeated.

Growing Up & Letting Go
It's always been a struggle for me... change. I always thought of myself as a "go with the flow" kind of girl, but I'm not at all. Recently, I've seen this in my relationships. Truth is, friends are going to walk away, I have to be ok with that. Priorities change - mine included - so I can't be surprised or hurt when priorities change for others, too. The ones that are in my life for the long haul will become clearer and clearer over the years - this has already proven true. Relationships should get easier, not more difficult. If they become difficult, something has to change - or, maybe something already has. Either way, when change does come... I. Have. To. Accept. It. I have to thank God for the vision to see beyond the heartache or frustration, and keep moving.

On the same note, there are people in my life who have been there - steadfast and supportive - for years... and I didn't even notice. It saddens me for a minute, until I realize it's never too late to nurture those friendships. Take inventory of your relationships now and then - you may be surprised at what you find.

Becoming My Biggest Fan
I make underhanded comments a lot... to myself. It wasn't until my husband brought it up (that he hates when I do it) that I really took a good hard look at the way I talk to myself when I didn't think anyone was listening. "This looks disgusting." "My hair looks horrible." "Nothing looks good on me." "I feel so gross." I say those things a lot. Way too often.

I realized that if my husband hears me, then that means that Porter hears me too. Soon, he's going to understand what I'm saying, and I don't want him to think his mother is unhappy with herself. He deserves a strong, confident mother than knows her worth and not only walks it out, but speaks it too. Truth is, for the hundreds of things I want to improve, there are a hundred and one things I love. I just don't address those audibly.

I should. I should smile at myself more in the mirror, rather than wrinkling my forehead or turning sideways and looking at myself from every angle for fifteen minutes before I leave the house. I should be proactive about my image - if I hate how I look when I don't get dressed in the mornings, I should pick out my outfits the night before so it's ready for me when my alarm goes off.

What about you? Have you ever felt like the pressure to be the "perfect mom" is magnified by the hugeness that is social media? What about the waves of change that inevitably come... how do you deal? Do you give yourself enough credit, or are you your own worst critic? Feel free to comment below; I would love to hear some feedback on these grown-up-issues that don't have to do with wave spray or BB cream ;)