Crazy Dreams

This is gonna sound super self-centered. Just brace yourselves.

Many people have told me I need to write a book. *hair flip*, right? Ick.

I know it's a compliment on my writing - and maybe even just the style of writing that I've developed over the years - but for so many people that I don't even really know to tell me the same thing... it's been on my mind for a long, long time.

I mean, people besides my mom have told me this - love you mom, but, you also told me I could be Vanna White. Your credibility is questionable.

I do want to write a book, but here's the problem: I don't feel like I have a story. A true testimony. I'm not an expert in anything. I know a little bit about a lot of useless things. My life has been pretty vanilla, and good Lord Almighty, I am thankful for that. I'm also not saying this as a prayer for God to give me some insane mountain to climb so I have writing material, no no no. I'm grateful for the life I lead, and each day is a total gift. I think there's something already here, within me, and it's something I've been asking God to show me. I'm trying to begin the process of pulling it out of me, somehow.

Does anyone have any wonderful writing prompts, or ways for me to begin the journey of "my story"? Prayer is obvious, because I know God can bring some crazy things to light... but I'm curious to know if anyone has felt this calling on their life, and taken appropriate steps to pursue it?

Robbed

My apologies. I've been on something of a blogging sabbatical since last Monday, so I'll explain why. I probably needed to add to it the blog. Just for memory-sake... I mean, this is probably one of those experiences that God will somehow use to shape me in a significant way.

Monday morning, I awoke to an empty bed. Paul is never awake before me, so I was a little alarmed. Both the boys were stirring, so I grabbed Simon from his crib and headed out to the living room.

Paul was just coming back in the room, too, and without even a good morning, he said: "The Honda was broken into last night. They took the car seat and the stroller."

My heart sank. We've had some increased activity to the ONE shady house at the end of our otherwise quiet neighborhood - new, broken down cars in and out at practically the same hours every single day. People, strung out on God knows what, wandering from the house and down the road to the main road. It's so unsettling, because the road we live on is a quiet country road... our neighbors to the right have several small kids, and a family member of theirs lives in a nice house set back off the road behind some trees. The other homes, towards the main road, are quiet and well-maintained. We've had MANY neighborhood meetings about this house, and the house seemed to vacate a few months ago. The owner of the property (who doesn't live there) cleared trees and cleaned the place up, but now... the insane traffic and random people are back. We've had so much drama with this house over the years, from the people that frequent it:

• A guy lit our mailbox on fire. He went to jail.
• A guy stole my father-in-law's truck... crashed it down the road and we got it back the same night
• A lady hopped our backyard fence and hid in the bushes, because she said her boyfriend was beating her. She was strung out and pregnant and when we told her we were calling the cops to get her help, she ran.
• We've had people from the house at our front door demanding to use our phone
• We've had cars FLYING down our quiet road at 50mph... which is what I hate most. We have kids that sometimes ride bikes or play ball in that street in front of our house, and they are oblivious and careless.

So, you can see my immediate train of thought: now, we can add theft to the list. And to take Simon's entire car seat system and our stroller?! For some reason this felt like even more of a violation. It just became way too personal.

It wasn't until minutes later I realized we had accidentally left Porter's iPad in the car, too. We had been taking in a bunch of groceries the night before, and never made it back out to get the iPad. It was gone.

Paul's leather jacket, my new green raincoat, a pair of boots I'd gotten and changed out of when my feet needed flats.... gone.

The most frustrating part of all of this: the cops won't do anything. They just tell us to keep calling in and filing complaints. We've been doing it for 5 years, and the only time they've come out is when the mailbox was set on fire/truck was stolen. 

And, we had about $1,300 worth of stuff stolen, but it's in our best interest to not file an insurance claim with homeowners. My insurance agent is a friend of mine, and told me our home insurance would go up for 3 years, and we wouldn't get enough money to replace all the items since we hsve a $1,500 deductible. Insurance enrages me more than anything... I pay monthly for this, and I can't even use it when I need it. I work hard for my things, and I pay bills and have insurance... and I'm not even truly protected, in any way.

So, yeah. I was challenged. I prayed for God to show me the silver lining. And then I got an email from my father-in-law, who forwards me and all my siblings Joel Osteen's daily devotion every morning, and this was the scripture for the day:

“Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above [the heavenly things], not on things that are on the earth [which have only temporal value].” (Colossians 3:2, AMP)

I laughed. Perfect timing, God. And then He reminded me through the day - I have given you the means to replace these things. We headed to the store to buy Simon a new car seat and I told Paul this, too (he was dealing with some serious rage, haha - such a male response - they desire to protect and provide, and when someone messes with that it's no good). I also told him I was praying that whatever pawn shop our stuff ended up at, that it was bought by people truly in need, for their newborn or children. He replied that his prayer today had been that the people who took our stuff would be so sick with guilt, that they'd either anonymously return our things or get their lives cleaned up.

It's been over a week and we haven't gotten our things back yet, so I'm just hoping that somewhere, there's a sweet newborn riding in style, or a child playing with an iPad that his parents wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford (we're not sure what's really up with the iPad. It hasn't been turned on since we got it stolen... we have a notification set up to alert us and track it when it does). 

Anyway, praying for the best outcome helps me to me sleep at night, for sure.

Roller Coaster Inspiration

The day faded into night, and Paul and I were like the only two people in the world.

I get it now - how people warn you not to "lose yourself" when you become a mom.

I was always so much fun. People knew me back then (ok, they probably still do) as loud and a little obnoxious. I never fell asleep first, always down for anything. I loved to have fun and make people laugh, and those were pretty much my only two missions on a daily basis.

Now, with two littles and trying to figure out this whole motherhood thing on a daily basis, that Corianne has changed... evolved... so much. I'm far more worried about health and safety and how often my kids have bowel movements (I mean...) than I am about happy hours and being social and people liking me. I'm much more serious, and a lot less spontaneous, and that made me a little sad. I thought about it on this night, as I realized how much I missed... me.

I was crazily aware of this contrast as we sprinted/danced through the fairgrounds, under the sparkling lights, trying to decide if we wanted to make ourselves throw up on El Nino, or just go classic fun and do the old white roller coaster... we chose both. The coaster was amazing - I drive by it every day, and I had forgotten about how free you feel when you're in the front of the cart and diving through the darkness with perfect strangers behind you. I thought about how years have weighed me down, and they shouldn't. Why do we let them? I felt like the roller coaster helped to throw off some of that weight that I'd been holding onto so carefully. Is that silly?

I got in trouble for swinging on the swings last night, just like I did in sixth grade, and it felt so good. I thought about Porter, and how he would probably LOVE this mommy... the fun, giggling, rulebreaking mom that was very much present and living in the moment. I thought about Paul, whose hand I was holding, and how he fell in love and proposed marriage to that girl. Now, I'm not saying he doesn't love every phase of me, but I think he really loved remembering who I was at the core, and that I'm still very much the obnoxious, silly, spontaneous girl that drew him in. You know, aside from all the anxious worrying and Googling flu symptoms (really, why do I do that - I was never a worrier before I became a mom).

Life is all about balance. I admit, I'm not very good at that part yet. I need to find a better balance between being a responsible and graceful mom and a fun-loving spontaneous wife and friend. I can be responsible and spontaneous. I can be organized and fun loving.

Now that I'm keenly aware of this, I can work toward becoming the best version of myself.

How do you find balance? How has being a mom changed you?

Jay & Hay's One Big Day

I really love weddings. I love love. I love the celebration of a couple choosing to be together, happily ever after. I love the commitment, the statement, and the excitement of a wedding day. I love seeing the personality of the bride and groom come out in all the little details. I love wedding gowns. The hair. The makeup. The choice of dress in which you force all of your girlfriends to wear as they stand by your side to support you on the biggest day of your life (the bride either loves or secretly loathes all of her maids and matrons, and it's hilarious. Haley loved hers, for sure - the cutest dresses, the formal introductions and the dancing entrance!? SO wonderful). I love the photos: memories for a lifetime, that a granddaughter will someday pull out of a box and show everyone how beautiful the women in her family are.

However, the more weddings I go to, the more I realize how much it's about so much more than the little details that you spend weeks and months pouring over. It's the anticipation in the air as a thousand of your friends and family watch a slideshow of two people they truly, honestly adore. It's the admiration for a couple that held strong to their beliefs, loving God above all else, pouring out every ounce of themselves in acts of service to other people day in and day out finally standing together to be united as one. It's about childhood sweetheart exchanging heartfelt vows to continue to take on the world together. It's about moments and people and relationship. I've never been more moved than I was last night - one small supporter in a sea of a thousand, just happy to be in the room as a wonderful couple became husband and wife.

Jon and Haley are those people. They are the head of student ministries at my church. They are younger than me, crazier than me... and I respect and love these guys so much. They're the first ones to the church and the last ones to leave. They love people, they exude joy, they are cheerleaders and hard workers and adventurers and they always have happy, positive things to say. Haley is the first to run up and give me a huge hug and tell me how much she loves me - and I haven't seen or talked to her in weeks. She's just that girl, and Jon is just that guy. They are impacting the world in a big, big way.

What a great wedding last night, Mr. & Mrs. Yadon! You are truly wonderful people and it was an honor to celebrate you. If you're on Instagram, check out #jayandhaysonebigday... so many photos and videos of the festivities. You can feel the love, respect and admiration in every post.

You two rock at life.

Writer's Block

I don't think a case of writer's block is supposed to go on for, like, a year.

I've had a really hard time getting things out on paper. Maybe it comes with the territory of being a new mom: I'm totally unmotivated to do anything other than survive the day with a work inbox at zero, and a baby that is clean, dry and happy. Maybe I have too many blogs: I thought organizing my life into separate URLS would make it easier for me to put the right thing in the right place... but I think the organization in itself is just freaking me out.

Maybe I could collect my thoughts better if I made it my mission to try something new every day... so I would have some fresh new material to cover. Although, ugh, the thought of finding something new every single day to blog about makes me want to delete everything and go into hiding. So, no.

I can think of so many things I want to write about, but my brain is so tired.

I used to be able to not get my thoughts down fast enough.

I used to wake up, excited to run to my laptop and start writing.

How do I get that back?

Does it ever come back? Or am I past my blogging prime? ;) Haha

I'll leave you with some photos from We Heart It that made me smile.

Stars aren't born. They're made.

Has anyone been watching Smash? First of all, I just have to say... I LOVE IT. Like, adore. I think Katherine McPhee is an incredible talent, and she's wonderful as the main character, Karen. Charming and sweet, not a sucky-American Idol reject turned last-ditch-effort "Hollywood" actress. She's actually good. And girl can sang.

There's only been two epsisodes so far, and I'm hooked... sincerely hoping that NBC doesn't give this the ax after a season, or even a couple episodes. I feel like stations are quick to do that to new shows. I've been living in the dark, apparently, because I never really noticed the danger a new series is in - they have a definite proving ground (RIP, Playboy Club).

I'm not sure how they could let this show go, though. Besides McPhee, the cast is pretty awesome. Anjelica Houston. Debra Messing? Yes, please. And directed by Steven Spielburg? I'm sensing - praying - for a long run for this one.

The Broadway show they're casting in this debut season is called Marilyn, and it's based on the life and times of... yep, obviously... Marilyn Monroe. I'm a little mad that this isn't a real production, because from the numbers they've shown so far, I would totally see it. As long as Katherine McPhee played Marilyn, and not that icky Ivy. It looks amazing... granted, I've only been to one "Broadway-esque" show, and that was Cinderella... but Marilyn would defintiely be on the docket.

Watch Smash! Monday nights. And let me know what you think.