Get Lost

This weekend, Paul and I got out and drove.

It wasn't intentional, until it was. We were planning on just running out to get coffee, maybe stop by the Farmer's Market... but then we found ourselves one kid down (Porter spent the morning with Grammy and Opa), so we packed up our sleeping 4 month old into the truck and just drove.

We drove past the Farmer's Market (which was SO PACKED. That's what happens when it's a sunny Saturday in Washington... everyone decides to get out and be active, ha), we stopped quickly by the post office and then Starbucks, and then we just kept driving. We went down the valley and into a small town called Orting. We were going to stop for an early lunch at a cute cafe or bakery, but we didn't see any that looked worthwhile (sorry, Orting). So, we kept driving. We drove through Orting and the further we drove, the more tranquil and peaceful the setting became. Rolling countryside, farms, evergreens, blue skies, whispy clouds... and we began to talk.

One thing about Paul and I: we have opposite communication styles, especially in regards to conflict. The other day, he asked me if I wanted to go to grab a dessert at a local diner, so we left the kids with the grandparents after they were in bed, and ran off to get milkshakes. I was feeling so excited - an impromptu date night! - only to find out when I got there and settled that Paul had decided this was an ideal time to unload all his grievances. How he was feeling - about life, about kids, about the aftermath of Simon's health issues, about me. Had I been SET UP? It completely overwhelmed me.

I was ANGRY. I immediately got on the defense and refused to hear anything he said. I know he was frustrated with my reaction, because in his mind - he thought he was doing a good thing. Taking me out, getting us on neutral ground, putting ice cream in my face, and then telling me how he was feeling about life.

All I could see was him working hard to devise a scheme to catch me off guard and OMGHOWSELFISHANDANNOYINGISTHAT.

Needless to say, the convo didn't go great. I cried, he back-peddled, we accomplished nothing. We did talk more that night, when we got home, and I was able to explain to him how I felt a little "tricked" and that I wish he would have come to me and said: "Hey, babe, I want to chat about some stuff - nothing too serious, but just some things on my heart. Let's go get ice cream." (For those of you that know my husband, that's not weird - he would and has totally approached conflict like this before).

ANYWAY. After the whole Fake Date Fiasco, we found ourselves alone (not counting a snoozing 4 months old) in the car and driving through gorgeous countryside. The sun was beaming. John Mayer was on the radio. Naturally, we began to talk. No phones, no agenda. I asked questions out of curiosity, and not out of anger. He gave me honest and heartfelt answers. He asked questions. I analyzed, and gave heartfelt answers. We accomplished a lot, but better than anything - we just talked. It was so nice to reconnect on an emotional level, without the drama of a fight or a "come to Jesus" meeting of the minds.

When was the last time you truly connected with your spouse? Was it forced, or organic? Did you listen, or did you do all the talking?

Just like I think investing into date nights and alone time is so important for married couples, especially when you have kids (it's still a non-negotiable for us!), communication is also key. It doesn't have to be a fancy date away... you can literally get in the car and drive into unfamiliar territory, get lost, and focus on nothing but each other.

We were both so refreshed after our drive, and we had come up with a fun game plan for a few realistic dreams we have for our family... all because we chose to take a couple hours and just get lost with each other.

A Little Less Talk and A Lot More Action

Four years of marriage down, and I think I'm finally coming to the understanding that marriage takes work. The cloud of honeymoon fog has lifted a bit, and the reality of life has set in: anything good in life takes work. Anything. It takes work to raise our kids (uh, it takes a LOT of work to bring them into the world). It takes work to climb the ranks in our careers and earn the respect we want. It takes work to keep our bodies healthy and strong. So, why would I not expect marriage to be just as demanding of our time and energy?

The first year, we didn't work very hard. We skipped rent payments to go to Vegas or buy clothes and things to decorate a place we couldn't afford, we ate takeout many days of the week, we consulted God casually about our marriage, we stayed up too late and ignored our alarm clocks too often, and I cleaned the house because it was funny that I was grown up enough to actually be a WIFE (not because I knew it's what I needed to do to keep our house a home).

Now, FOUR YEARS after we said yes to a lifetime together... we've experienced so much more life. So many awakenings, so many tears, so many laughs, so many celebrations, and so many frustrations. It's sobering and beautiful, all at once.

I'm grateful that you chose me, Paul. I am always thankful for your transparency, your genuine desire to honor and love me above all things, and the hard work you put in in order to keep us strong. The way you interact with our son, the moments you force me to sit down and talk it out, the mornings you walk in with a coffee for me, the hugs for no reason, the work you're doing to build our home, the fact that you purposefully seek out accountability and friendships that help you to grow and improve as a man and husband, the way you worship Him and show others how to do the same: all of those actions are how I know you love me, and they inspire me to do better at showing you that I love you right back. With actions, not words.

They're inspiring me to put down my phone and pick up a book. They're inspiring me to make sure I have done my hair and makeup before you get home, even on days where Porter demands the world of me and I feel like I have nothing left to give (I'm still getting better at this, haha). They're inspiring me to be honest and talk things out, rather than avoiding confrontation. They're inspiring me to be the one to walk over and hug YOU for no reason. They're inspiring me to pursue a healthy lifestyle, so I have lots of life left in our years. Your actions consistently inspire me to seek out a better and deeper relationship with God - even out of frustration ;) - and that alone is worth its weight in gold.

I love you babe. Happy anniversary! Every year with you truly gets better and better. I love the complexity and intensity of our relationship, because it shows me how much we've grown and how deeply connected we truly are.

A vacation with kids is not a vacation at all.

I live for vacations. Which is a little troublesome, since I feel like we don't take many. Haha... but, we planned this vacation a few weeks ago, to celebrate my husband's and Jen's birthdays in a snowy little town called Leavenworth, and to say we were all a little excited was an understatement.

Not only was this our first vacation as a group in quite some time, but this was the first time we were escaping together WITH OUR KIDS.

We questioned whether this would be a vacation at all, actually. Jessica and Davey's boys are older (meaning, they can use a toilet and put themselves to sleep), but Porter and Lincoln are 14 months and 9 months old. They still nurse, they still wake up a few times during the night, they are obviously still in diapers and need to be entertained and watched 24/7.

So, basically, this was a different experience entirely.

Here are a few ways vacation with toddlers is not a vacation at all.

• Stairs. Omg, do you guys realize that most houses are - by nature - BABY DEATHTRAPS? And this genius of a mother (talking about me) doesn't own a baby gate... because, you know, I like to live on the edge. The house we stayed at was three floors, with like a billion flights of stairs. I had to get creative, creating blockades with unused ottomans and dining room chairs on their sides. Porter is like a moth to a flame when it comes to stairs. He will drop anything he is doing to climb up some stairs; if he sees an opportunity, the stairs are like a irresistible, shining beacon of fun and imminent danger. He will RUN to them. So, when I successfully block off all the landings and I am thinking to myself "WINNING!", he scales the wall and climbs up the banister. I. Am. Not. Kidding.
• Babies Don't Care About Sleeping In. Porter and I came downstairs at 6am a few mornings we were away, and were promptly greeted by our friends Jen and Lincoln. Oh, hey guys. No sleeping in for you either? Not gonna lie, I was a little jealous that the Jones boys were still sleeping (as were their parents). I pretended to be all panicky when Porter started playing his xylophone outside of Jess and Davey's room, but I was secretly all "muahaha" when Jessica flung open the door and stumbled out half-asleep to the bathroom. I mean, I know she's earned her sleeping in (three kids later and blah blah blah)... but if Jen and I are awake and sucking down coffee, you will be awake and sucking down your lemon water, Mrs. Jones.
• You Can't Take Kids Into A Bar. When we were sledding, some kind stranger - (actually, I'm not sure who told us - I had retired to the car early because I had a frozen Porter Popsicle. So, yeah, I just waited in the car for everyone else to finish having a blast. Yet another reason why this vacation is now different, but I'll just keep moving for the sake of word count) - so anyway, so stranger told us that this little hole-in-the-wall down the road has the BEST pizza in town. Well, turns out, it was the town bar. Jen, Jess and I stayed in the car with all the kids while the guys ordered and waited for our to-go pizza. That in itself is super annoying - especially with a cranky toddler needing a nap and not at all pleased to be sitting in an cold, non-running car.
• Vacation Language Isn't A Thing. We have this joke about saying and doing whatever we want on vacation - after all, it's vacation! If I want to have Doritos for breakfast, I will. We talk about married things, we laugh at inappropriate jokes, we play intense games of Heads Up and Catchphrase and - err - Uno, and... things can get heated. A few of us hate losing (Paul), a few of us cheat (Jessica), and a few of us may have mouths like sailors (Me, Jen). I know, you're shocked. Well. Kids don't understand the good nature of this, and pretty soon Jackson Jones is wandering the house telling the little kids to stop being "so damn loud. That crap is annoying". Oops.

So yeah, anyway... bottom line, I joke around - but it was a blast. I loved hanging out with our families and making so many new memories. One of my favorites: the older kids played Xbox downstairs, and told us a few times they were going to go "pwn some noobs". We were like... "what are you even saying."

Jess got really nervous, but didn't want to make her kids feel like she didn't trust them, so we did what every logical parent in 2014 does: we Urban Dictionaried it. Turns out, it is to completely obliterate your opponent in any event where there is competition, though the term specifically originated from Online Gaming. Very similar in nature as "owning new players". Phew.

You learn something new every day.

Our cabin for the weekend!

Fall Things: Friday at Fox Follow Farm

We spent a fun Friday afternoon at Fox Hollow Farm, a beautiful (albeit, kinda spooky) farm nestled into the hillside of Issaquah. It was magical: fog swirling above the treetops, reds and orange and gold leaves all around, piles of pumpkins and white-fenced arenas, wild bunnies hopping around randomly, a box of brand new kittens for your petting pleasure, a barn full of friendly horses, pony, tractor and train rides for the kiddos, parrots (!?) in the trees above out head greeting us, a beautiful river behind a charming little farmhouse, and plenty of mud puddles so that my Hunter boots could earn their keep.

It smelled like sawdust, campfire, leather, and evergreens.

It was magical.

Oh, and I'm told the "Sweet Shoppe" was selling the makings for S'Mores, so you could carry them over to the bonfire and cook your own. Somehow I didn't end up here, and I'm considering driving back up for that part alone.

Life is so much better when you spend it with great friends. This is Maggie, Katie, Jodi, and Jen... four amazing mamas that I get to be around all the time. It's so fun raising our kiddos together. Not only will Porter will have these wonderful memories growing up, but I will be able to look back on days like this and remember how amazing it is to be surrounded by genuinely good people. Especially as I'm learning and growing in my new role as a mother to a (gulp) almost one year old!

I love photography. This photo above is amazing, but if you panned back, you would see Porter perched perilously on a very questionable tree branch, with Paul's arm death-gripping his leg. Doesn't Porter look so relaxed for a child that could possibly fall into the river at any given moment? ;)

Love that Porter loves his daddy so much. It makes my heart skip (several) beats.

See. Beautiful, and only a little spooky.

100% adorable here. Not even a little spooky.

Three Years.

October 8th, 2010, I married my best friend.

I know, so original. But true. Paul and I were friends long before we were a couple; most people saw something with us that we either:

a) ignored
or b) were too blind to see

When we finally started dating, we were met with a chorus of "FINALLY!"'s, and "I KNEW IT!"s. It was exhausting, the amount of time we were spending swearing up and down that there was truly nothing to see... nothing to know... until one day, we looked at each other, and knew what we'd been missing all along.

So, October 8th -- just three short months after our summer engagement with family and our best friends -- we were married. Those same people were standing next to us when we said I do.

I've learned so much in the past three years about myself as a wife, and as a woman in general.

Most of all, I have discovered that I thrive in my supporting role. I prefer it, in fact. I grew up playing the lead in school plays, speaking in front of crowds, showing horses and earning titles... my role has gradually changed over the years, though. I never thought it would be so fulfilling to be "behind the scenes", but I've never felt more comfortable and right than I do right now.

My husband leads worship. He leads people into the presence of God, and to do that, he has to get there first himself. He puts his heart out there daily; his heart, and every ounce of energy he has. I get to be apart of this from the front row, and it always blows my mind how nervous I get. Like, sweaty palms and racing heart nervous. It overwhelms me, watching Paul do what he loves to do. The supporting role is fulfilling, but it doesn't come without a desire to reach out and physically help when all I can do is pray. It's taken some training, for sure. I've had to learn how to be his rock, so he can do what God's called him to do.

Now, we have a child -- a son. A little boy that I can only pray is the best parts of both of us. I'm forever going to play the supporting role to those two leading men in my life. And I love it.

I hope Porter is thoughtful and loves people like his dad does. I hope he has a heart for worship. I fell in love with this man because he's just likable, and it makes me so happy to think that Porter could very well inherit those same qualities.

 These last three years have been easy. Sure, bad days happen... but bad days happen normally because of my own girlish problems. Insecurities, lack of sleep, PMS. ;) Marriage has been far easier than I thought it would be... everyone tried to warn me about how difficult the first years are, but I received a great piece of advice on the day I went to the jewelry store to pick up Paul's ring before our wedding:

The first years are only as hard as you make them.

My long-winded, joke-stealing, trendsetting husband is my favorite person on the planet. Our marriage is the most important thing to me, right alongside of being a mother. The truth is, I am free to be a good mother because of the way our marriage builds me up. Because of the way he builds me up. Paul thinks I can do anything. And as much as I resist, I honestly feel like I could, too -- especially after a pep talk from my better half. As much as I rely on God's hand on my life is as much as I rely on the man that God put in my life. It's like I have two direct lines of communication to Him -- my own, and through my husband.

I want to be a good wife. I want to be more thoughtful, a better gift-giver; a powerful praying wife. I want to be responsible but fun. Carefree but grounded. Encouraging but realistic. I want Paul to know he's irreplaceable. There is no one like him. There's no one I'd rather spend my days with, there's no one I'd rather fight with, there's no one I'd rather have on my team.

Paul, I love you so much! Happy 3 years... thank you for being such a selfless, loyal, wonderful husband. I couldn't have handpicked someone more perfect for me.

Things We Believe In:

• Happy Hours
• Date Nights
• Building The Local Church
• Talking It Out
• Independence
• Starbucks
• Friends on DVD
• Having No Plans
• Breakfast
• Taking Lots Of Pictures
• Love Languages
• Laughing A Lot
• Thymus Extract
• Prayer
• Not Being Cuddley Sleepers
• Vacations
• Las Vegas
• An Extended Christmas Season
• Country Music
• Boys Take Out The Trash, Girls Do The Dishes
• Progressive Dinners
• Target Runs
• Chiropractic
• "#ImFunny"

Things We Disagree About (Often):

• Being On Our Phones
• What "I'll Be There In Five" Truly Means
• Why He Feels The Need To Take Off His Socks And Leave Them Wherever He Was Standing At The Time
• Why I Need To Own 356 Perfumes
• Grocery Shopping
• "#ImFunny"

So, this is awkward...

I got a little bit behind on my "Every Day In May", and I just quit blogging.

Like, quit. Cold turkey.

This explains so much about me. I get overwhelmed, and I just give up. I get anxious, and I run away. Instead of tackling something that looms over my head, I pick up my phone and tackle the next level of Candy Crush instead, blatantly ignoring what I should be doing.

Every Day In May: Day 16

Day 16: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it.

I'm going to be brutally honest here: something difficult that I work to overcome is my husband's job. That sounds bad, but let me make it worse: my husband works for our church.

10 Things That Make Me Really Happy

In no particular order:

1. When my son smiles at me. BEAMS, is actually more like it. It's crazy. I love that smile more than more things in this world. It's better than caffeine in the morning.
   
2. Speaking of caffeine: coffee from a mug makes me happy. I love a piping hot Starbucks like everyone else, but there's something about fresh coffee in a fun mug that makes the morning just that much better.
   
3. When my husband sings country music in his fake southern accent. I pretend to get annoyed, but I really, truly love it.
   
4. Snowfall. There's nothing more peaceful to me than a cold, dark winter night -- snow falling, lights twinkling, a glass of red wine or hot cocoa in my hand. It's seriously my happy place. I absolutely love the winter.
   
5. Rereading a verse in the Bible for the millionth time -- but hearing it in a whole new way, for the first time. It's amazing when that happens.
   
6. Baths. If I need a minute to myself, I will seriously run to draw a hot bubble bath and peruse Instagram or Twitter on my phone. Even if the bath only lasts for ten minutes, I feel brand new.
   
7. Going out to eat. I love dining out. I'm a foodie at heart. My husband and I have so much fun trying new restaurants or doing a random Yelp search for a rave review, and then finding out for ourselves. We've found some of our favorite spots and had the best date nights by perusing Yelp while driving aimlessly around Seattle.
   
8. Taking a lot of pictures. I always get annoyed with myself for snapping hundreds of photos, until I look back weeks, months or years later. Then, I'm so grateful.
   
9. Diving into a new TV show on Netflix or Hulu. And by diving in, I mean watching back-to-back-to-back episodes until we're caught up. Usually, full seasons in one sitting. Our newest obsession? Scandal. Uh-mazing.
   
10. Having nothing on the to do list. It's rare, and when it happens, I never forget to savor that moment.

Husband is sick.

I've known him for years, but this is the first time I've known him with the flu. He is a mess. He won't even attempt to eat, because he hates throwing up so much. He won't take pain medication, because he is afraid that it may (even though it never has) make him nauseous. He has been sleeping for nearly two days. He is hardly talking. He's not making up words to random melodies that he gets in his head, he's not cracking cheesy jokes to annoy me, he's not even drinking coffee.

I'm so bored, I've cleaned the entire house, done all the laundry, and even spent a couple hours shopping online for candles.

Candles.

I want my husband back. Life isn't nearly as fun without him yapping in my ear, day in and day out. Love him so much - I hate to see him like this. Also, I hate to see our bank account like this. I've joined three sites (including Birchbox) and ordered six candles so far.

Get well soon, Paul. Please?