Back To Center

Last night was a small but much-needed mommy night out. I forget how well I do with just a few hours to recharge. I met a friend, Colleen, and we got pretty fall manicures, and then went around the corner to a local bar for some food and drinks... Because when don't I need to bring food and drinks into the mix?

So many jewel tones, not enough time. I went with #92 - Down To Earth.
It's a beautiful camo-green!

It's a lot, working from home and raising two babies. I find it hard to separate the two sometimes. Too often, I treat my babies like tasks, or only give them my very divided attention - and it leaves me feeling completely sad, and like I've failed as a mom and employee. Is this what working from home is supposed to accomplish?

Simon Pierce - 8 months old & Porter Alan - 2.5 years old

No. Working from home gives me the chance to be there for moments like this... When they're crawling around together and laughing and exploring and just being brothers. Moments like this make the "sharpie on the carpet/nap strikes/food strikes/must have apple juice NOW" moments far less important.

But, the crazy moments also remind me quickly that I'm human... I'm an adult human. I'm not the kid that runs away from her problems anymore, I have to face them head on. When I'm feeling deflated and tired and just worn down, I have to deal with that like an adult. And since I've made the decision to not deal with my problems by acting out (partying, drinking, drugs, anger), I have to discover new ways to face and conquer the challenges in my life, in the moment. Because let's be honest: mommy nights out can't happen every night. Ha.

• Perspective. That's my biggest tool. Remembering those fleeting moments when Simon was two months old and we thought he was blind, or worse, that his body was filled with disease. Those were big issues. The fact that he wants me to hold him all day? Not an issue. An inconvenience, I guess, but not an issue. I see so many posts these days about accidents, and disease, and families truly facing the worst possible heartache... so my perspective shifts. I remember how blessed we are, and that I need to not act like my life is falling apart because Porter wants to drum his heart out while I'm on a phone call for work. God forbid, we could face some true challenges someday - but we're not. And I am so grateful and appreciative of the His hand on our lives.

• Prayer. I don't really have much to say about this, except for that I'm constantly trying to give it to God. I'm waiting for Him to throw up His hands like "Girl, no", but it hasn't happened yet. Hallelujah. My God is great.

• Mommy time-outs. Those are moments that I just lock myself in the laundry room for a minute to regain my composure so I don't say or do something I shouldn't. This works sometimes, too.

• IPads. Those have been my saving grace these days, when I'm not riddled with guilt for shoving an electronic in my son's hands and allowing him to zone out on Kid's YouTube. But when I have to get something done, necessity trumps all else, and he gets to watch creepy tutorials of grown adults opening eggs and talking in Disney voices.

• Reality Checks. For example: my husband is not the enemy because he has a job outside the home. I could go back to work outside the home, too, so I have to remind myself not to be a brat because I've made the decision not to. I'm guilty of making him feel like less of a parent because he "doesn't have to hear it all day long" as Porter rages about not being able to eat chili for breakfast. It doesn't make it any less annoying for Paul when he's home in the mornings, does it?

What are ways that you bring yourself back to center,
so you have the focus and energy to conquer your day?

Change The Channel

Saturdays. We have until about 3pm, and then Paul heads off to work and it's just me and the boys. We always miss him. It becomes a countdown of the hours before he returns home. Today, though, instead of just watching the clock, we headed to the park.

I watch a lot of scary TV. Like... Snapped. Law & Order: SVU. Dateline. It's probably not the best thing for me to do, considering I am far too anxious and worrisome as it is - you know, without filling my head with these stories and worst case scenarios that are far too "typical" these days. I should stick to Wheel of Fortune or Jeopardy, but no no... I need to know about the world's most far-fetched and terrifying crimes and criminals.

As we pulled up to our quaint neighborhood park today, there was only one other car in the lot. A truck. All the windows were down, and an older couple was hunched down in the front seats, a pitbull with a studded collar in the back. They had no kids, from what I can tell... they were just sitting in the car. Staring as we pulled up. The park was empty, and I immediately started to think of ridiculous scenarios as I unloaded the boys from the car.

Text Paul, tell him where you are.

Park far enough away to where you would see them coming if they headed toward you. You know, to attack you.

How would I get both kids in the car, and then myself, to get us out of here quickly? I would just throw both the kids in the car, on the floor, and BOOK IT.

Put your phone away. Make eye contact with them. They need to know you're aware.

I should Periscope our park trip. So I'm "live" if anything went down. Thanks, social media!

I miss the innocence of never assuming the worst, or never "going there" in my mind. I'm working on reminding myself daily that I'm smart, aware, and God didn't give me a spirit of fear... and also trying to identify when this intensified so greatly? Being a mother has made it worse, for sure. Life means so much more now that I have two sets of beautiful blue/gray eyes staring up and me expectantly.

I don't want them to get my anxious tendencies. I don't want to go to bed at night with my mind buzzing with all the crazy things happening in the world. I can feel my heart relax as I repeat "Jesus. Jesus" and move on with my day. His name truly does bring peace. Perfect peace... peace peace. 

I vow to skip past the news as often as I can, and savor the good news happening around me daily. Stop DVRing The First 48, and read more books.

To the park we go, past the possible criminals and to the swings.

Do you guys think too much or too often about the big, crazy world we live in? What helps you to remain centered, confident, and focused on the positive that surrounds you?

Worship Stories: No Other Name

I thought about documenting a few of my experiences in worship - I know we all are blessed to have them, but worship is such a huge part of our daily routine (with Paul being a worship leader) that I find myself wanting to write down my stories to share them with others. Worship is what kept me in church when I first came back in 2007. I was in a bad place: totally desperate and completely doubtful. Desperate and doubtful is a bad place to be. But when I walked through the doors at my church and watched (yes, watched) people sing... not out of a hymnal... but on fire and in love with this distant God that I was so sad I had been letting down for so long, my mind was blown. God likes this?

Worship helped to solidify in my mind that God wants me as I am. He doesn't want me because I am portraying an obedient-hearted believer and dutifully singing words on a page (although, He wants plenty of people that way! Just not me). He wants me messy. And loud. And passionate. And convicted. And awestruck... that's how I'm moved. And I am so grateful for the ability to worship Him how He has built me to worship Him.

Anyway. My love of worship was born then... and I have a lot of stories of songs that I've listened to alone, in bed, crying - completely moved and speechless because I felt so loved. Songs that played on repeat as I struggled to rock my new baby to sleep. Songs that became our anthem during our second son's health journey. Songs that helped me to understand how to deal when bad things happen. Songs that I fell in love with when I fell in love with a guy that led people in worship.

This weekend, our church did a new song - No Other Name, from Hillsong's same album of the same title.There was a single part of in this song that completely reduced me to a pile of nothing. I just felt so small, so finite, so overwhelmed with His goodness. This song is SO powerful, but in recently walking through the scary times we did with Simon, singing this this past weekend reminded me to remember exactly Who we serve, in all His glory.

God isn't a God that might show up. He will.

Also, He's not a meek and emotional and soft God. I am meek and emotional and soft. He is UNDEFEATED. When I sang that line this weekend, I got chills. I love worship, but I don't get chills often.

Seated on high
the undefeated One
Mountains bow down
as we lift Him up

MOUNTAINS bow down. Mountains, you guys. MOUNTAINS. Look out your window at Mount Rainier (well, all you Washington folk). That is a huge, unmovable piece of earth... and imagine that epic monument reducing to a pile of nothing in His presence.

He is strong. He is a force. Do you have any idea how huge that is? I loved how powerful this song portrays God. It will definitely be one that I recall when I need to remember that hard times don't have anything on His greatness. And He's on our side... how lucky are we?

The earth will shake
and tremble before Him
chains will break
as heaven and earth sing
Holy is name of Jesus

Get Lost

This weekend, Paul and I got out and drove.

It wasn't intentional, until it was. We were planning on just running out to get coffee, maybe stop by the Farmer's Market... but then we found ourselves one kid down (Porter spent the morning with Grammy and Opa), so we packed up our sleeping 4 month old into the truck and just drove.

We drove past the Farmer's Market (which was SO PACKED. That's what happens when it's a sunny Saturday in Washington... everyone decides to get out and be active, ha), we stopped quickly by the post office and then Starbucks, and then we just kept driving. We went down the valley and into a small town called Orting. We were going to stop for an early lunch at a cute cafe or bakery, but we didn't see any that looked worthwhile (sorry, Orting). So, we kept driving. We drove through Orting and the further we drove, the more tranquil and peaceful the setting became. Rolling countryside, farms, evergreens, blue skies, whispy clouds... and we began to talk.

One thing about Paul and I: we have opposite communication styles, especially in regards to conflict. The other day, he asked me if I wanted to go to grab a dessert at a local diner, so we left the kids with the grandparents after they were in bed, and ran off to get milkshakes. I was feeling so excited - an impromptu date night! - only to find out when I got there and settled that Paul had decided this was an ideal time to unload all his grievances. How he was feeling - about life, about kids, about the aftermath of Simon's health issues, about me. Had I been SET UP? It completely overwhelmed me.

I was ANGRY. I immediately got on the defense and refused to hear anything he said. I know he was frustrated with my reaction, because in his mind - he thought he was doing a good thing. Taking me out, getting us on neutral ground, putting ice cream in my face, and then telling me how he was feeling about life.

All I could see was him working hard to devise a scheme to catch me off guard and OMGHOWSELFISHANDANNOYINGISTHAT.

Needless to say, the convo didn't go great. I cried, he back-peddled, we accomplished nothing. We did talk more that night, when we got home, and I was able to explain to him how I felt a little "tricked" and that I wish he would have come to me and said: "Hey, babe, I want to chat about some stuff - nothing too serious, but just some things on my heart. Let's go get ice cream." (For those of you that know my husband, that's not weird - he would and has totally approached conflict like this before).

ANYWAY. After the whole Fake Date Fiasco, we found ourselves alone (not counting a snoozing 4 months old) in the car and driving through gorgeous countryside. The sun was beaming. John Mayer was on the radio. Naturally, we began to talk. No phones, no agenda. I asked questions out of curiosity, and not out of anger. He gave me honest and heartfelt answers. He asked questions. I analyzed, and gave heartfelt answers. We accomplished a lot, but better than anything - we just talked. It was so nice to reconnect on an emotional level, without the drama of a fight or a "come to Jesus" meeting of the minds.

When was the last time you truly connected with your spouse? Was it forced, or organic? Did you listen, or did you do all the talking?

Just like I think investing into date nights and alone time is so important for married couples, especially when you have kids (it's still a non-negotiable for us!), communication is also key. It doesn't have to be a fancy date away... you can literally get in the car and drive into unfamiliar territory, get lost, and focus on nothing but each other.

We were both so refreshed after our drive, and we had come up with a fun game plan for a few realistic dreams we have for our family... all because we chose to take a couple hours and just get lost with each other.

An Ode To Coffee

I am working really hard to re-train myself in the art of coffee.

I am such a "seasonal mocha" kinda girl, at heart. I love the sugary, milky concoctions like s'mores frappacinos and creme brûlée lattes. However. They are so bad for you. I know this isn't, like, "breaking news", but they are. I try so hard to make better decisions in my eating, and that has to include drinks too, right?

My husband is a black Americano drinker, and I love the simplicity of his order. I decided to try just a plain iced coffee a few months back.

Ok, not bad. It's actually kinda sweet? I can do this!

Oh, what's that? They add classic syrup? Awesome. So, I decided to ask them for no sweetener, with a splash of cream.

Did you guys know that NO ONE understands what "a splash" means? Every single time I ordered, my iced coffee came out white. And with no sweetener, it tastes like flat, bitter coffee. 

So, I switched my order this weekend - espresso, three shots over lots of ice in a venti cup (which will naturally water it down), with a couple pumps of white mocha for some flavor/sweetness.

It's a winner. My next goal is to phase out the white mocha altogether.

Does anyone have any further suggestions for my newest concoction? I'm all for recommendations! As a mama of two, I desperately need/want the caffeine, but I don't want it at the expense of my health.

Sunny Saturdaze

Saturday. My favorite day. And, bonus... it's SUNNY.

We woke up at 8am (thanks, Simon!) and laid around for a few minutes before we got dressed, headed to Starbucks, and then to the mall. We have family pictures on Sunday, so we were on a mission to find some "blue" items for all of us, since that is the color we chose.

I also happened upon some MAC eyeshadow palates that were Nordstrom exclusives, and since I had already warned Paul that I needed to pick up 3 - 4 eyeshadows since I'm out of everything and I literally CANNOT scrape the bottom of the pan anymore, I figured... why not spend an extra $30 and get a palate of 15 neutral shades? I mean, that's just... math, or something.

Oh, and I got a mineralized bronzey skinfinish, because I'm a terrible checkout shopper. You know those cookies you can add to your order at the window of any drive-thru restaurant? That's how they get me at Nordstrom. "Oh! Since you got that amazing collection of all the best neutrals, you should get this pearlescent bronzer that doubles as a highlighter."

Um, ok.

After shopping, we went to lunch at Chick-Fil-A. This is a major deal, because is JUST CAME TO WASHINGTON. It's madness, you guys. I know it's fast food, and what the heck are we thinking sitting in a line that wraps around a neighboring building...

..but it's delicious. I would wait for 40 minutes for the sauce alone. Plus, it was SUNNY and Porter and Simon were snoozing... it was the perfect afternoon.

We got home and Paul had to hurry and get ready for church, so I have spent the last hour cleaning. The GOOD cleaning: all the dishes, scrubbing the whiteboard of permanent marker, sorting rogue toys.. the serious kind of cleaning where no one gets in my way.

I feel so accomplished on Saturdays like this. Don't worry, though... this isn't the norm. 9 times out of 10, my Saturdays are spent in sweats and wandering through the grocery store to avoid the rain, or on the couch watching DVR'd Datelines while Porter destroys everything in site. But, on those sunny days when we're teased with our first glimpses of summer...

...nothing better.

Happy Weekending!

Thursday Check-In | March 5, 2015

- Porter fell off the bed last night. So, there's that.

- Early morning nursing session with Simon, he fell asleep quickly after one side, and I thought for sure I was in the clear to sneak back into bed for a few minutes. Picked him up to move him, and wait, what's that? Oh, just a MAJOR BLOWOUT that required a change of clothing and a spongebath. Now I'm wide awake, he is passed out, and I am sitting at my computer starting my workday.

- Got my newest shipment of oils, eeeeeeee. Oil day is quickly becoming my favorite - lavender and melecula on repeat (I run out of them he fastest), and this month I am trying geranium and grapefruit.  Next order, I think I need to replenish my frank, and I think I want to try rosemary or clove.

- It's HAIR DAY. Fighting the urge to chop it off. ...it grows back, right?

- Watching some show on HGTV right now that is showing amazing homes from around the world; I am currently lusting over one in Los Cabos, Mexico. I want to goooooooooo. Friendcation needs to happen, stat.

- Can't stop playing Trivia Crack, you guys. It's bad. I'm not even good, but I just feel like I'm miraculously going to know all there is to know about the Periodic Table of Elements, and when all the wars started and stopped. You know which questions I never miss, though? Entertainment questions about the Kardashian or Taylor Swift. #merica

Our drive last night from Tacoma to Bellevue - that MOON. Porter would have been in heaven.

Q&A a Day

I bought this for Christmas (for myself, haha) and I'm so excited to keep this up.

In the land of technological takeover, it's weird and somewhat exciting to buy a handwritten keepsake. I'm excited to give this to my boys someday. I know that I loved reading my mom's words... she had a journal like this that she was filling out for me and my sister. It talked about her childhood, growing up, her feelings. I used to sneak into her bedroom and pull it off the shelf to see if she'd updated it at all. She didn't write in it too often, but I always held out hope that there would be a new entry. Something about the swirly printed writing was so comforting.

I hope she still has the book and has been secretly updating to give to me someday. I would love to have that as a keepsake, and although boys are assumed to be a little less sentimental abut stuff like this, I know Paul would cherish a possession like this... so I'm sure our boys will be the same way!

2015 Resolutions

Resolutions are soooooo early 2000's.

But seriously, I don't make resolutions. Maybe because I can never keep them, but this year I've officially changed my outlook on them. I saw a photo of a girl that went to her favorite grocery store to stock up on her greens (she's a health/food blogger, so this wasn't a "resolution" for her) and the store was COMPLETELY OUT OF SALAD.

Out of salad.

How is that even possible?

Oh, I know. Because everyone and their mom vows to get healthy as a new year dawns?

That's what I hate. I know it's just the sense of a "starting point" that people need. Heck, I start a new "clean eating plan"... every Monday ;) But, I do it every Monday of every week of the entire year (minus a few weeks where I do what I want because, for example, I'm 58 weeks pregnant). But we would be so much more fulfilled if we picked a goal for the year, and worked crazily toward it for 52 weeks straight.

I decided my goal this year is going to be purpose.

I want to live a life of purpose. I want my words, actions and plans to be on purpose. I don't want to stumble into anything if I can help it; I want to measure my actions and then set out with ambition and intent.

I want to plan my meals... on purpose. So I don't just get overwhelmed and call for thai food all week, instead.

I want to rock my baby to sleep and pray with him after we sing a few songs... purposefully. I don't want to pray when I remember, or when I need one more thing to do before his eyes get heavy enough that I can set him down. I want to be purposeful and intentional in our bedtime routine, because I want him to remember that "mama prayed" when he's sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old.

I want to be purposeful in my marriage. I want to go out of my way to speak positive, life-giving words to my husband - because I know that is what builds him up. I want to intentionally plan dates and time together, so it doesn't just get set aside in light of our busy lives. With purpose, I can combat any obstacle that gets thrown in our path. If I'm living intentionally, our path will be carved out and clear.

What about you?

What is your plan for 2015?

Happy Birthday, Jessica Jones | 4

Here we are in 2011, on one of our favorite days of the year... which comes again this Friday! You always like to take care of me, especially when it comes to things like makeup, or pacing myself during a progressive dinner, or not performing a citizen's arrest on the lady who almost ruined your son's birthday party (and then stole my phone). You look out for me. You teach me things.

You're tricky, though.

You're my voice of reason and my teacher, but also my biggest instigator. It's confusing and always out of control: like when you splashed water on me in the Matador bathrooms, but then tried to tell everyone I had a romper malfunction. Or when you told me Tumblr was the best blogging platform, then promptly switched to Wordpress (same thing happened when I finally got a Blackberry... you peaced out to Team iPhone and I was over hanging out on BBM all by myself). Or, when you revealed to me that South America was actually a continent for the first time, and I swore you to secrecy, but then you blogged the whole freaking conversation (an alias of Schmorianne helps NO ONE). Or when you told me it would be funny to scare Paul last year by reenacting the whole "Danger!!" scene from Friends, but then your foot ended up getting cut open by a glass I broke and somehow it all became my fault for being "too committed" to the moment.

You're actually kinda mean.

It's ok, though. I got even during the whole "AN EGG IS JUST A BABY CHICKEN" revelation.

Thank you for the years of laughs, my friend... and you're welcome for many of those moments being at my expense.